Patiently Waiting for My Roommate to Get Out of Law School and Get Me Out of Tickets

Congratulations to me!! I am the lucky winner of TWO TICKETS in just TWO WEEKS from various municipal courts! My question is: where are all these so-called "women" that get out of tickets all the time and more importantly, HOW. DO. THEY. DO. IT?

During the 11 years I've been afforded the privilege of driving (and I know it's a "privilege" because that's always the first question on Defensive Driving tests), I've had 7 tickets.

• 1999, speeding -- I should have received a citation for driving a Lebaron with gold hubcaps, but instead he clocked me at 56 in a 40. I was taking my bff home after practice and vaguely remember using the excuse that we were late for bible study . . . that excuse didn't work AND I spent 3 weeks in prayer asking for forgiveness.
  

• 2001, floating a stop sign -- most embarrassing ticket of the century for a couple reasons. #1, the reason I floated the stop sign was because I just got a new jeep with a standard transmission and I was terrified of stopping. Anywhere. So naturally, I floated the stop sign in 2nd gear. #2, my dad was following me home from a soccer game when I was pulled over. Can't you just see it?? My jeep on the side of the road. A police car with fully operational lights behind me. My dad parked behind him, waiting for me to be ticketed. SO EMBARRASSING.

• 2003, MIP -- I was the designated driver. Need I say more about this ridiculous ticket? I still haven't forgiven my intoxicated passengers for this.

• 2006, running a red light -- I swear I entered the intersection on yellow, but wasn't in the mood to shmooze or argue (aka: I broke the law and I knew it)

• 2007, running a red light -- Late to drop me off at the airport for a flight to California, my favorite geologist ran a red light in my car. No cop, just those pesky cameras and a superbright flash when it photographed my license plate. At the time, on top of running late, I had just realized I left my bridesmaid's dress at my apartment and would possibly have to walk down the aisle in sweatpants.... flashing lights were the last thing on my mind... it wasn't until I got a ticket in the mail a few months later that it really sunk in how much that day sucked. Damn the bad luck.
  

• 2009, speeding -- on my way home from OKC via Waco. 7 hours of consecutive driving. Coming up on a small town with a speed limit drop to 55. I WAS SLOWING DOWN, PEOPLE, just not fast enough for Officer Napolean Complex. This guy actually said "have a great day" with a smirk. I threw a pitty party and cried for 30 minutes in the comfort of my own vehicle, gained control and forgave Officer Napolean for being so rude and ruining my weekend. After all, things could be worse. I could be an officer in Calvert, TX feeling justified by clocking people 2" past the speed limit sign... but either way, I broke the law and the law won... that was two weeks ago.
  

So imagine my dismay when I pull into a downtown Houston parking spot, ecstatic to see my mom and her friend, hop out of the car and practically sprint to their room for some quality time... then off to Azuma for a girls' sushi night... only to get back to a parking ticket from some rent-a-cop. Debbie downer. He issued me a ticket at 5:45pm when the metered parking ends at 6pm. I officially have the worst luck.

Of course I realize I broke the law in all of the cases, no matter the circumstance... but back to my original question... what's a girl gotta do to get out of a friggin ticket?!? I'm at the end of my rapidly fraying rope! I'm a good, moral person, but I'm in dire need of a script to use on the next idiot in uniform. Any advice is greatly appreciated.



Meanwhile, I'm sticking to go-karts. I snapped this picture of me and my Little while I was driving and didn't get ticketed. I'm certain that's because I'm a safe driver (disregard her expression, please) and not because Zuma Fun Center has no laws.