Friday, November 20, 2009

A Must See D.V.D.!!

UPDATED with more pics :) ugh, I feel like I was disserviced by his birth 6 days before I can get up there. I mean seriously, take a look at those legs and miniature phalanges. It's like torture!!!!

It is my distinct pleasure to introduce you to my nephew,


...born unto a family of smartasses on...

November 19, 2009
7 lbs 5 oz
20" long

Isn't he just precious???

I think it's important to mention that on Tuesday night I begged my sister to break her water before Thanksgiving so I could snuggle a baby and eat turkey at the same time. I don't really see this as an unusual request. Despite being 3cm dilated at her appointment a few days earlier, she proceeded to shatter my hopes and dreams by reminding me of her November 30th induction.

So I did what most soon-to-be-first-time-auntie-ashes would do. I ordered a Smartzip Sleeper for the peanut and had it shipped to her. Luckily for everyone involved, the baby boutique I ordered from ( is on the ball with customer service and almost immediately sent me a personal email to clarify what size and color I ordered. Turns out I chose the Made Me Blush Pink pajamas for the boy growing in my sister. I swear it wasn't a Freudian slip.

Little did I know, my nearmistake would send shockwaves to Oklahoma and send my sister into active labor.... something about the unrealized fear of putting her son in pink pajamas and potential gender identity issues? I don't know, but her water broke Wednesday night whilst nesting in the nursery. She managed to get a few hours of shut eye before the intensifying contractions asked her to p l e a s e c a l l t h e d o c t o r. So their day started early with a 6am drive to the hospital, already dilated to 5 cm and completely effaced.

--- this would be the point I received a phone call from my mother screaming something to the affect of "HER WATER BROKE LAST NIGGGGHHTTT!!! AHAHAAHFDAFSDFAWEOBNV" ---

And the day begun.

I won't bore you with all the little details. and by "all the little details", I mean the seventy-four text message updates we received from dad between 10am-4pm. Despite his lack of attention to punctuation, he's a great story teller. Some of these are from his perspective and the others are just hospital room dialogue. HI-larious.


11:52am – We’re moving to an exercise ball contractions about 2-3 min apart

12:00pm – baby is at 128 heart rate, contraction 2 min after last one, doctor talk is head is engaged

12:11pm – Just had a 10 on the contraction scale, most had been 6

12:26pm – Brooke says ouch

12:35pm – baby is kicking the monitor

2:27pm – Just started pitocin, really small amount, to get this show on the road. Still between 8-9cm now, so hopefully soon

2:36pm – She gets to start pushing

3:16pm – Ok having a contraction almost there you’re doing good ok got one building. You’re doing a lot of work push hard again push push take a deep breath. I need a break ow.

3:26pm – big doctor is in the house

3:46pm – this is work ok almost that’s super job almost done good job all forward from here. Baby’s right there ok here we go push push this baby’s very excited about being born. Come on vincent, i’m getting a calf cramp oh shit.

3:53pm – if you got it, short little breaths, you can reach down and feel him if you want, looks like he has long dark hair, push one more and I bet we’ll have a baby. Ok ok he came further, half his head is hanging out, now take some deep breaths

3:55pm – my hand is going numb

3:58pm – the big finale, almost come on one more oh you did it here, baby crying look there baby boy, dad you want to cut the cord

After 6 hours of texting all that detail, I'm assuming the numb hand wasn't Brooke's.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Patiently Waiting for My Roommate to Get Out of Law School and Get Me Out of Tickets

Congratulations to me!! I am the lucky winner of TWO TICKETS in just TWO WEEKS from various municipal courts! My question is: where are all these so-called "women" that get out of tickets all the time and more importantly, HOW. DO. THEY. DO. IT?

During the 11 years I've been afforded the privilege of driving (and I know it's a "privilege" because that's always the first question on Defensive Driving tests), I've had 7 tickets.
  • 1999, speeding -- I should have received a citation for driving a Lebaron with gold hubcaps, but instead he clocked me at 56 in a 40. I was taking my bff home after practice and vaguely remember using the excuse that we were late for bible study . . . that excuse didn't work AND I spent 3 weeks in prayer asking for forgiveness.
  • 2001, floating a stop sign -- most embarrassing ticket of the century for a couple reasons. #1, the reason I floated the stop sign was because I just got a new jeep with a standard transmission and I was terrified of stopping. Anywhere. So naturally, I floated the stop sign in 2nd gear. #2, my dad was following me home from a soccer game when I was pulled over. Can't you just see it?? My jeep on the side of the road. A police car with fully operational lights behind me. My dad parked behind him, waiting for me to be ticketed. SO EMBARRASSING.
  • 2003, MIP -- I was the designated driver. Need I say more about this ridiculous ticket? I still haven't forgiven my intoxicated passengers for this.
  • 2006, running a red light -- I swear I entered the intersection on yellow, but wasn't in the mood to shmooze or argue (aka: I broke the law and I knew it)
  • 2007, running a red light -- Late to drop me off at the airport for a flight to California, my favorite geologist ran a red light in my car. No cop, just those pesky cameras and a superbright flash when it photographed my license plate. At the time, on top of running late, I had just realized I left my bridesmaid's dress at my apartment and would possibly have to walk down the aisle in sweatpants.... flashing lights were the last thing on my mind... it wasn't until I got a ticket in the mail a few months later that it really sunk in how much that day sucked. Damn the bad luck.
  • 2009, speeding -- on my way home from OKC via Waco. 7 hours of consecutive driving. Coming up on a small town with a speed limit drop to 55. I WAS SLOWING DOWN, PEOPLE, just not fast enough for Officer Napolean Complex. This guy actually said "have a great day" with a smirk. I threw a pitty party and cried for 30 minutes in the comfort of my own vehicle, gained control and forgave Officer Napolean for being so rude and ruining my weekend. After all, things could be worse. I could be an officer in Calvert, TX feeling justified by clocking people 2" past the speed limit sign... but either way, I broke the law and the law won... that was two weeks ago.

So imagine my dismay when I pull into a downtown Houston parking spot, ecstatic to see my mom and her friend, hop out of the car and practically sprint to their room for some quality time... then off to Azuma for a girls' sushi night... only to get back to a parking ticket from some rent-a-cop. Debbie downer. He issued me a ticket at 5:45pm when the metered parking ends at 6pm. I officially have the worst luck.

Of course I realize I broke the law in all of the cases, no matter the circumstance... but back to my original question... what's a girl gotta do to get out of a friggin ticket?!? I'm at the end of my rapidly fraying rope! I'm a good, moral person, but I'm in dire need of a script to use on the next idiot in uniform. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile, I'm sticking to go-karts. I snapped this picture of me and my Little while I was driving and didn't get ticketed. I'm certain that's because I'm a safe driver (disregard her expression, please) and not because Zuma Fun Center has no laws.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Baby Boy is Brewing!

Although it may seem counter intuitive after posting "Chica Chica Boom Chic", my 2009 Halloween weekend was actually devoted to my sister's baby shower.... a far cry (pun intended) from my last handful of Halloweens, but nonetheless, a wonderful way to spend the weekend.

It started out with a bang with a red eye drive in torrential downpours from Houston to Dallas. Then to add insult to injury, at some point I picked up Dr. Laura's show on the radio and like a lightening strike to my life, I suddenly understood my father, but not through her sage advice or eye-opening commentary... in fact, it was quite the opposite.
I digress.
My dad and pretty much any liberal politician are like oil and water. He'll sit in front of the TV, brow wrinkled 10-fold, death grip on the remote as if changing the channel is a threat to them as they speak, rolling his eyes, spouting off "idiot"s and other useless cut downs. I never understood how he could get so upset at these people and never change the channel (a fun experiment would be to hook him up to a heart rate monitor and turn on CNN). It wasn't until I turned on Dr. Laura and listened to her psychological train wreck of a show that I finally empathized with my dad. At certain moments, I felt my face turn red and watched steam shoot out of my ears. She's not even a clinical psychologist! A PhD in Physiology won't do a depressed Schizophrenic any good, but she's brainwashed an entire mob of crazies to believe she knows it all through being blatantly rude!! How does this happen?? Ugh. I can feel my blood pressure rising again. Anyway, it was after 30 minutes of rotating between death grip on my steering wheel, jolting forward and glaring at the radio buttons in disbelief, and yelling at the airwaves hoping she'd pick up my signal, that I realized: Dr. Laura Schlessinger is to me what a Liberal Politician is to my dad. When I listen to her, I can't stop the madness! and what's worse is, I kinda don't want to. Passionately disagreeing with idiots is a guilty pleasure of mine. It's genetic.

-So back to the show-

I finally got to Dallas and c r a s h e d. Friday morning, I was greeted by the main reason for my northbound travel, my sister and her child. Like woah:

The next 3 days were a whirlwind of freezing soccer, long lost family, loads of hugs and sarcasm and one fantastic baby shower planned around Little Sister's soccer schedule. With an October 30th contest in Norman, a Halloween shower made most sense, so we rolled with "A Baby Boy is Brewing". Still makes me giddy with delight :) Here's the shower part of the weekend...
And evidence of the hugs and sarcasm part of the weekend...

I really don't know how to end this after posting a picture like that.

Have a great day?

Chica-Chica Boom Chic

Here they are, Exhibits A, B and C. Also known as, the only proof that I did in fact dress up as the lovely Latina, Carmen Miranda for a work function in Austin.

For reference, may I present the authentic Carmen....

And these are my scanned "Catch The Moments" (the kinds of pictures you have when you leave your camera on deep sea excursion boats in Puerto Vallarta)

And I've blessed you with this Blackberry Moment of the original fitting so you can actually see the fantastic skirt.

Fantastic, right?

anyhoo -- I've devoted this entire entry to my costume because MARK MY WORDS -- this will be the last time I ever spend $250 on Halloween. Thank you, [insert company I work for], for letting me expense this ridiculous costume.